Earlier this week, I randomly found myself alone in a grove of trees in the middle of Manchester, New York when I started experiencing visions from THE big man upstairs. Now I have zero proof of this encounter, but I promise that he told me two things: 1) he told me that other CFB blogs are built upon incorrect doctrines, and these blogs weren't returning 150%+ to subscribers while making fun of the LDS and 2) I am the chosen CFB Prophet who will eventually bring down James Franklin.
As THE man was about to depart, I asked him how I can boost my subscribers and unique views since I have no sagging mammary glands, and my customer acquisition cost is higher than Bud Light after it discovered Tik Tok. He told me to walk to Edison, New Jersey where I would find the Kin-Buc Landfill and likely a piece of Jimmy Hoffa. When there, I would find a golden tablet that only I could read and it would reveal my next blog post. Once I translated the golden tablet into this blog post, I was to melt down the tablet and donate the gold to another worthy cause, the DJT Super-PAC who can use the gold for a new batch of limited edition shoes and lawyer fees.
So without further ado, I present to you Part II of what the 12 apostles can teach us about the first two weeks of CFB. I have also included my Week 3 picks at the bottom of the blog and will try to push us from a 158% return and into the 200's%. ESKETIT.
1.) Peter: Georgia
As Peter was The Rock to Jesus and the Church, Georgia has become The Rock to Fat Curry. My pre-season predictions was that Georgia would go undefeated and win its 3rd championship in four years. There's a lot of Carson Beck haters, probably because he reminds us of that Tik Tok generation who is showing up to Planet Fitness with more random leg tats than days worked.
2.) Andrew: Ole Miss
Just like Andrew, Ole Miss is a bedrock of southern college football but often overlooked by the sexier, faster, stronger and more athletic Bamas, Georgias and LSUs of the world. See, Andrew was Peter’s brother. Andrew was the first disciple Jesus called, and Andrew not only brought Peter to Jesus, but he told him Jesus was the Messiah. However, 9/10 humble Mississippi Baptists will know Peter's name before they know Andrew's name. I picked Ole Miss to go to the playoffs and stand by this. Lane Kiffin has arguably his most talented roster of all time and one of the weaker SEC schedules where he doesn't have to play Alabama, Texas, Missouri or Tennessee.
3.) Philip: Clemson
I frankly had no clue who Philip was until I wrote this blog, and I am sure the 10 other readers that make it this far won't have a clue about Philip either. To be frank, neither does the bible. It sounds like he isn't referenced a whole lot and is sometimes mistaken for another Philip. This is why Clemson is my pick here. I chose Clemson to finish 1st in the ACC, and I stick to this. This is still a squad led by a 2x national championship coach who has rostered a squad that averages the 8th best recruiting class over the past 5-years. Dabo Swinney has a couple NFL players down south and no one is talking about them. Instead, any attention goes to a mediocre Miami team. Watch out for Clemson to go on a 10-game win streak after their bye this week.
4.) Bartholomew: Utah
So Bartholomew is another Apostle that is rarely mentioned, and when he is, he is mentioned next to Philip. So how about Utah as my choice here. This is another pre-season team that I had to make the playoffs and win the B12. They're now ranked #12 in the nation, representing the number of years Cam Rising has been playing College Football. Even with their average age being like 26, the media has given more attention to other west coast teams such as Oregon, Boise State and USC. Expect Utah to slowly rise up the ranks and make given the lack of depth in the B12. Oklahoma State, Arizona and Kansas State all have major concerns that Utah should be able to expose throughout the season.
5.) Matthew: Alabama
Matthew was a tax collector before Jesus called upon him, and this meant that people reviled him. This is none other than Alabama. The animosity against Alabama is only going to build up like a volcano as they continue to win. I think most of America deep down would acknowledge that Kalen DeBoer is actually a fantastic coach, and it wouldn't be surprising to see Alabama not skip a beat without Nick Saban. Kalen has already turned around Fresno State and Washington in record time and now has a quarterback that isn't built like glass (talking to you Michael Penix). Their schedule remains a gauntlet, but it's becoming a lot more viable that this hated program could sneak its way into the playoffs with LSU and Oklahoma displaying early bruises.
6.) "Doubting" Thomas: USC
"Doubting" Thomas gets his nickname because he doubted Jesus' identity until he saw clear-cut proof. To me, this is none other than USC. Because of my disdain for Lincoln Riley, who is a bigger traitor than Judas, I predicted USC to come in 9th in the B10 this season. Forgetting their roster is filled with a bunch of players who would make Barry Bond's cojones look like grapefruits, this was a poor mistake by Fat Curry. USC has proven to us in just two weeks that they are playoff contenders and not pretenders. For now on, call me "Doubting" Fat Curry.
7.) James son of Alphaeus: Syracuse
Another Apostle who is often left out, I want to highlight Syracuse now with Kyle McCord who was run out of Columbus. I have a trivia fact for you: Who are the Top 3 QB's in the nation for total expected points added? It's Jordan McCloud (Texas State), Garrett Nussmeier (LSU) and Kyle freaking McCord (Syracuse). Syracuse should have been a team getting some love pre-season with a new qb, new head coach and healthy all-american tight end. Fortunately for myself, the Lord answered our prayers for another Dog of the Week upset and provided us a Syracuse W like manna and quail. This is a team that can low key compete for the ACC.
8.) Jude: Missouri
You guessed it. Another Apostle that you've never heard of. The reason I put Missouri here is because they're ranked #6 in the nation but it doesn't feel like it where I am sitting. Whether it's social media, podcasts or Stanford Steve, no one gives Missouri any love. This was a team that people spoke highly about coming into the year but have since left the bandwagon for other early SEC season darlings such as Tennessee. For example, Missouri is only a -15.5 home favorite vs. Boston College. This isn't the red bandana game, so I expect Missouri to beat the crimson chin (Bill O'Brien) by 25+ and remind America on Saturday that it is a top 12 Apostle, and CFB team, for a reason.
9.) Simon the Zealot: Miami
There is a lot of historical debate as to why Simon is the "Zealot". One of these reasons is because he may have belonged to a Jewish sect known as the Zealots, who were bent on revolution and looking for a Messiah to violently overthrow Rome. While Simon was wrong about a physical revolution, he was correct that a spiritual revolution was upon them that would cause a big stur in Rome. To me, this is Miami after two weeks. I mean to go into the swamp on week 1 and beat Florida so badly that Graham Mertz and Billy Napier helped each other make Indeed profiles after the game is as close to a revolution as we may see all year. Miami seems like they'll compete at the top of the ACC this year and cause a more local revolution within the conference.
10.) Judas Iscariot: Notre Dame
Let me say this first. If this was a person, it would be Lincoln Riley no doubt. But when it comes to naming a team who exemplifies the characteristics of the man who gave up Jesus for a few silver coins, who better demonstrates this than America's own Catholic Institution. Like Jesus knew Judas would betray him, all of us true CFB fans knew Notre Dame would betray CFB when the pollsters put them at #7 to begin the season. We didn't know how or when per say, but we knew the time would ultimately come when Notre Dame lets us down, but ultimately proves us right. See Judas had to let Jesus down to ultimately save humanity and prove God and the prophecies correct. We, as true CFB fans, had to witness Notre Dame's demise after just two weeks so that we can turn around to the soy boys who create the pre-season polls and say "I told you so".
11.) James: LSU
When I told people in August that I had LSU coming in second in the SEC ahead of Alabama, Ole Miss, Texas, Tennessee and Missouri, I was frankly told that I was an idiot and this is another reason why I am unemployed. I like to think that Jesus felt the way that I did when he picked James, a simple fisherman, to be one of his three main disciples. Now after two weeks of football, it seems that LSU has some issues on defense, but who better to fix that than Brian Kelly, a coach who motivates his players by throwing them under the national media bus if they do anything to either embarrass or expose him.
12.) John: Penn State
Hear me out. You're all probably wondering why I would put Penn State's current performance as equivalent to a top-3 Apostle. Well it's because Jesus knew what he was getting with John just as I know what I am getting with PSU and James Franklin. Don't let their second-half comeback vs. Bowling Green fool you. The James Franklin we all know and love is going to reveal himself at some point, and they will find their way back to another Outback Bowl loss. To me, Penn State's constant mediocrity that I can bank on with Franklin as their coach warrants the designation of John, an Apostle who Jesus could always count on.
Season Recap:
Total Record: 20-5 (ROI: 158%)
Week 1: 8-1
Week 2: 12-4
Week 3 Picks:
Lock of the Week (LoW - 2-0 record): Notre Dame -7.5 (-115) & Notre Dame -10.5 (+120)
Dog of the Week (DoW - 2-0 record): Jax State +2.5 (-125) & Jax State ML (+100)
Lookahead Letdown Lock of the Week (Triple L - 0-2 record): Southern Miss vs. USF (1/3 unit, +325)
Over/Under Game (1-0 record): Auburn/New Mexico Over 58.5
Regular Games (15-3 record):
Game #1: UNLV +10 (-120)
Game #2: North Texas +10.5 (-125)
Game #3: Buffalo -3.5 (-105)
Game #4: Coastal Carolina -16.5 (-125)
Game #5: App State ML (-120)
Game #6: Hawaii +3.5 (-110)
Game #7: UCF ML (-105)
Game #8: SDSU +19.5 (-120)
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