To the University of Iowa's Talent Acquisition Team,
Earlier today, a rumor likely spread amongst your office like a Southern California wildfire that someone by the name of "Fat Curry" applied to the open Offensive Coordinator position. Well in between my daily rituals of begrudgingly checking job boards and downing Folgers coffee as if I actually have something to do or somewhere to be, I stumbled upon your Indeed listing for the open position.
My initial reaction was skepticism. Surely Kirk Ferentz already found his Jon Snow bastard child to assume the throne after that power tripping vixen, Beth Goetz, informed Brian Ferentz that his punt first mindset was no longer welcomed in Iowa City. Surely this position, which was once an overlooked governmental 9-5 job in Iowa City and has since become a national media sensation with publicity raining down upon it like an Old Testament Egyptian plague, has been filled? It wouldn't have surprised me either if Kirk and Brian declared themselves reincarnations of the John Brown family and seized the AD's office after that close Tennessee loss.
However, as I started reading the job description, I noticed what seemed to be a CFB version of Morse code. When putting the job description under some leftover 4th grade Chuck E Cheese invisible ink, I saw the hidden phrase "Punting is Winning". Instantaneously, a cloak of solace fell upon me, as I knew that Kirk Ferentz was back in the helm in Iowa City and had absolutely typed up this job description without that quixotic Beth's consent.
Now I'd like to point out a few of the your either required or desired qualifications and tell you why I should be Iowa's next overweight and overlooked candidate:
1.) You ask for a minimum of three (3) years football coaching experience at the NCAA level or five (5) years successful coaching experience in a highly competitive environment including the NFL. While I have neither of these qualifications, I want to put the question back on you and ask what Brian Ferentz's prior experience in the NFL and CFB did for Iowa? For example, your team scored a combined 0 points the past two games against Michigan and Tennessee. Now I'm not saying I'm the second coming of Christ and could have concocted some of Michael's secret stuff that would have turned Deacon Hill into Ben Roethlisberger. What I am saying with 100% confidence is that I also could have secured your team 0 points across both games for a hell of a lot less money.
Imagine how much easier your all's search, and lives, could be if you simply accepted the fact that you're about to be upper-middle-lower tier in the new B10. I too was once a former upper-middle-lower tier brother of an Indiana University fraternity, so I know all about expectations. Life's a lot easier when no one is expecting that big pair (or insert OSU/Michigan/USC/Washington/Oregon/Penn St./UCLA/Maybe Michigan St. upset). However, there's always a blue moon where you're going to get word of a potential pregame with Delta Zeta after Delts got put on last second probation because some brother thought it would be funny to call himself the Xanman and ingest 15 bars. What I can't promise you in points, I can promise you in Blue Moons - both figuratively and literally - since I might have a small Steve Sarkisian-esque drinking problem and will most likely have a 12-pack of the moons in my second desk drawer at all times.
2.) Iowa asks for prior successful football offensive coordinator experience in a Division 1, FBS collegiate or professional football program. I find this requirement a bit outlandish since Brian Ferentz never was an offensive coordinator prior to assuming the position at Iowa. While Brian may have had a prior history of developing players with killer mentalities when he was the tight ends coach for the New England Patriots in 2011, I too have a killer mentality. No, I have never killed anyone, but I am trying to kill the career of James Franklin and nothing will stop me other than a lawsuit, bankruptcy or diabetes. So why don't we help each other, align our mutual disdain for Penn State and try to make that four-eyed fraud water your field with his tears when he's down 2-0 after the 1st quarter and then has to look hundreds of sick hospital children in the eyes.
3.) You ask for five professional references at a later step in the recruitment process. This is where things get a bit tricky for Daddy given my lack of collegiate coaching experience, but with an open mind, I think your team is going to be blown away.
My first reference is my former Managing Director at J.P. Morgan. While this reference may initially strike you as bizarre, well so is Iowa acknowledging Brian Ferentz as a legitimate Offensive Coordinator. I think you'll find this reference adequate since he'll be able to tell you about my work ethic. Little did he know only reason I kept showing up to work is because I had been digging my own grave with a handful of bookies and really needed that bonus to be upper-middle-lower quartile.
My second reference is my Mom. My mom has neither played nor barely watches football. However, Kirk comes off as a family driven man, and my Mom will be able to tell Kirk how I also enjoy my family, so much so that I'll be unable to commit to any post-Christmas games (not that Iowa will really have to worry about that with the new conference) since I usually take off the last week of December.
For my last reference, I'd like to refer you to Gastroenterologist. Given my inability to control the insatiable and physical desires of our world, also known as Land O' Lakes Butter, Oreos and Malt Liquor, I've been seeing this Doctor for a handful of years now. What you should come away with after speaking with the shrink is that I have "grit". This exact Doctor has been slandering my health for years and telling me that I'm going to die if I don't start listening to him, but here I am in the flesh writing to you. Adjacent to the aforementioned health comment, your team only needs to offer me a short-term contract since my heart is unlikely to handle the pressures of this job. For my fourth and fifth references, I would have given you individuals from my last firm, but it's a failing start-up, and the only thing they are good for is missing expectations. I know how Beth can be a stickler with expectations so I don't want to waste your time.
Before I leave you all, I noticed that the candidate needs a "valid U.S. driving license and the ability to meet and maintain University of Iowa Driving Program standards." While I thought driving laws were pretty universal across the domestic U.S., I assure you that I am a fast learner and can master whatever John Deere Tractor shenanigans you're mandating. Just one thing - remember those Blue Moons soon to be in my second desk drawer and me having fraternal binge-drinking roots? Well if I were to get this position, I envision myself celebrating with my favorite Rip Curl T-Shirt that Mark Few gave me (smells like beer for some reason) and have a Blue Moon per offensive point that our boys put up. What a shame Brian Ferentz had to do Sober December.
Please do not hesitate to subscribe to my blog if you have any questions regarding my candidacy.
Yours in being the next Iowa Hawkeyes Offensive Coordinator,
Fat Curry / Big Daddy
Comentarios